November 23, 2017
I am always planning.
Always daydreaming.
Ever since I was a little girl I would sit down, pick out a floor plan of some New York studio, and scroll through the IKEA catalog to decorate the space.
I would then sketch out the fine details of this little cubical I dreamt of inhabiting.
No joke, I have been doing this since I was 9 or 10.
This need to plan has flooded over into the normal Pinterest board of home interiors and an unnecessary need to writing out an extremely detailed list of what will inhabit every nook and cranny of my future café.
I am about detail, detail and detail.
I sit around and get overwhelmed with the thought of the years to come. What will I do the day after I graduate? When will I go to ministry school? Is it really in my future to be a mom? What if I studied journalism for four years just to become a personal organizer (my secret weird dream job)?
There has been so much desire to fill in the blanks of my future, I never really took the time to be consumed with the right now.
Like most girls, I have picked out names for my kids and I have planned out my wedding from start to end. I have mentally painted the walls of my future home.
I do this in class, while I am talking to friends and when I am alone. There is no stopping this mind.
Mid-conversation with a beloved friend I will lose track of her words and trail off into how many goats I will have in my some day at-home goat rehabilitation efforts.
Little did I know this was a problem. Somewhat of a joy stealer from what is going on in my life RIGHT NOW.
A few of the places I daydream about..
The past few months I have been a part of a women’s group that meets every Wednesday. I signed up with my dear friend Sierra because we both knew we had a NEED to commit to just an hour and a half a week for stability.
We needed community and we needed something consistent.
What I expected to receive, as I have, is an insight into the lives of women in my community. I wanted to find women to work alongside in the joys and struggles of life. Women to root for who would also be rooting for me.
But what I didn’t expect was to have the big man upstairs point out struggles of mine that I did not see on my own.
The weekly teachings and the long talks with my small group of new gal pals wrecked me. They have humbled me. They have brought an oh so needed lit up neon arrow and pointed it at issues I haven’t wanted to face.
I do not enjoy the present.
I am always one.. or five steps ahead of myself trying to work out what is next.
From relearning what it means to sit and journal out what god is doing in my life right now to figuring out what it looks like to enjoy rest and quiet time, I was in more need of this weekly group than I ever thought.
Of course I knew I needed consistency and I needed encouragement from women.
What I didn’t know is how much time and work I need to put into me each day. I have my own friendship for the rest of my life, yet it is probably what I focus on least.
The weekly teachings and the daily words of these women feed my soul. They are transparent. In watching them and listening to them I have observed what it means to live a life in the present.
Sometimes that’s all they can do. Live one day at a time. And they’ve shown me that that’s ok.
Sometimes discouragement will hit. And you feel stuck in the present, hit with all these current problems where all you can do is face them.
The leader of my little group shared a story of the toughest time in her life. She had months of feeling defeated but she still found enough motivation each and every day to read a single bible verse and jot down how it reflected grace in her life. Amidst the pain of her present, she focused on recalling the good that is true to her life. Sometimes she wrote a full page of her thankfulness, other times she could only muster up a sentence or two. But no matter what, she didn’t let fear of the future overwhelm her.
Her story, and many others by the other women surrounding me, has brought me comfort. They are teaching me constantly about the beauty of living in the present, even when it doesn’t look the way you want it to.
While planning is ok and sketching is fun, I do not need to have a set-in-stone blueprint for my life. It is never going to play out how I think it will and that is ok.
So even though it is a daily battle to not grow anxious in what is unknown and trying to plan it all out, I am learning. I am letting myself rest and breath.
I am letting go of my plans and letting God show me His plans for me day by day.
– Besides.. the best things that have happened in my life have all been things I never could have planned to be as exhilarating, incredible, and captivating as they turned out to be.
